Yippie! Rejoice in the streets of Philadelphia! Indictments were handed down on June 29 in the federal probe of corruption in the awarding of city business. There’s plenty of newspaper articles about this, so read up, and then come back.

Done yet? Managed to wade through all that? Good. Now let me say that it’s not nearly enough. It’s one of those gut instincts that there is far more to all this than what’s in the actual indictment itself. Some of it is just intuition, and most likely can’t be proven. I guess some people are better at hiding their trail than others.

The one thing that people outside of Philadelphia may have heard about is the banning of skateboarding at LOVE Park (formally known as JFK Plaza). Now what does this have to do with city corruption? Well, nothing really. But I’m bothered by the coincidental timing of the skateboard ban (enacted in mid-2002), which happened to match fairly close to the opening of the Philadelphia Phoenix, a high-end residential project from one of the mayor’s big campaign contributors, Ken Goldenberg. I may be going over to the conspiracy theory side of the room with this thought, but I’m not really one for this type of coincidence either. If you’re interested, sign the petition by clicking below.

No, nothing serious. I generally go to lunch around 1:00 or so, mainly to avoid the crowds. It’s part of my “love humanity, but hate people” philosophy. Anyway, I’ve noticed many, many more people eating later, but can’t figure out a reason why. There has not been a huge sudden influx of new worker bees in the area (that would have made the papers). I guess it will remain a mystery.

And, it must have been a shock to some people (and probably a boon to other Food Court merchants) when the Chick-Fil-A closed for renovations. This will likely send some people into shock. Too bad for them.

I run – a lot. I also drink a lot of Gatorade after running to refuel. And no, I’m not a shill for them; however, if they would like to send me some free stuff, I won’t complain. Anyway, in connection with ESPN’s 25th anniversary, they have different labels on the bottles, with some trivia on them. This one, for 2003, struck me as a bit different:

Fueled by the Gatorade In-Car Drinking System, Roush Racing’s Matt Kenseth has a dominant season en route to his first championship in the nation’s premier stock car series.

This is not interesting because of the auto racing (which, in my book, is not a real sport, but that’s another topic). The interesting thing is the “in-car drinking system.” Does this also come with an “in-car urinating system”? Just curious.

Being a passenger in a car helps you notice things you otherwise take for granted while you’re driving. Or things that you really can’t pay attention to because you’re driving. This past weekend, I was a semi-conscious passenger (not drunk, just drifting) and we passed a Bally’s Total Fitness. My thought was: is there a Bally’s Partial Fitness? What if I don’t want “total” fitness? Can’t I just get “partial” fitness?

This may shock some people (though I doubt it), but I am one Philadelphia resident who is glad that Smarty Jones lost. I am so sick of hearing this shit, mostly from the media. Saturday morning was the first time I heard people talking about it who weren’t on TV. And the clucking hens in the office this morning were driving me nuts. It’s a friggin’ horse!

But, for those of who are saddened by the loss, I offer the following consolation (this would be much funnier if I had any art skills to draw this up; if you have art skills, e-mail me).

Just in time for Back To School! Smarty Jones Glue! That’s right, kids! Now you can own an actual piece of Smarty Jones!

Since we take our sports seriously here in Philadelphia, don’t think that the glue option hasn’t been considered. It’s just a shame we couldn’t do it to other local athletes, both current and former. If we could, we might get such products as:

• Allen Iverson Glue (AIG). Dries quick and holds strong. Just go ahead and use it. There’s no need to “try it out” on any surface. Because, well, if you do, it just won’t work. “Trying it out” is too much like “practice” and AIG doesn’t do “practice.”
• Jeremiah Trotter Glue. Very strong. Really good on chopped wood. But don’t take it out of town, because it won’t do a damn thing. (Related items: Brian Mitchell (NY Giants version) Glue, Hugh Douglas Glue, and (hopefully) Duce Staley Glue.)
• Matt Geiger Glue. Pasty and white. You’ll pay way too much for a glue that can’t do shit, and never could. You’ll wonder why you ever bought it in the first place.
• AJ Feely Glue. Looks nice, smells good. Doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot, but the chicks dig it.
• Phillies Glue. Works pretty well from April through early September. Then suddenly stops working; things fall apart.
• Pete Rose Glue. Wanna bet it’ll work?

This entry will not likely be of particular interest to anyone but my friend Joe (check his blog for some funny stuff). I was channel surfing the other night, and landed on some VH1 special about “sexiest people alive” or some dribble like that. Anyway, like a car accident, I stopped and watched for a few minutes. They were talking about Prince William (at least, I think it was him; whichever the older of the two it is). Then they had some other people talk about him, and one was the lovely Jenna Jameson. (For those of you living under a rock, she’s a porn star, so the link should be followed by “adults” only.) There was a point to all this, which is: she said she loves a “man with minions” and that she’d love to “smurf” (see this post on why “smurf” is used here) such a man.

Well, Joe has worked at AOL for several years now, and has always mentioned that he’d know he’d made it once he had minions. Sadly for him, he has no minions. But Joe, when you do, be sure to tell Jenna.