This may shock some people (though I doubt it), but I am one Philadelphia resident who is glad that Smarty Jones lost. I am so sick of hearing this shit, mostly from the media. Saturday morning was the first time I heard people talking about it who weren’t on TV. And the clucking hens in the office this morning were driving me nuts. It’s a friggin’ horse!
But, for those of who are saddened by the loss, I offer the following consolation (this would be much funnier if I had any art skills to draw this up; if you have art skills, e-mail me).
Just in time for Back To School! Smarty Jones Glue! That’s right, kids! Now you can own an actual piece of Smarty Jones!
Since we take our sports seriously here in Philadelphia, don’t think that the glue option hasn’t been considered. It’s just a shame we couldn’t do it to other local athletes, both current and former. If we could, we might get such products as:
- Allen Iverson Glue (AIG). Dries quick and holds strong. Just go ahead and use it. There’s no need to “try it out” on any surface. Because, well, if you do, it just won’t work. “Trying it out” is too much like “practice” and AIG doesn’t do “practice.”
- Jeremiah Trotter Glue. Very strong. Really good on chopped wood. But don’t take it out of town, because it won’t do a damn thing. (Related items: Brian Mitchell (NY Giants version) Glue, Hugh Douglas Glue, and (hopefully) Duce Staley Glue.)
- Matt Geiger Glue. Pasty and white. You’ll pay way too much for a glue that can’t do shit, and never could. You’ll wonder why you ever bought it in the first place.
- AJ Feely Glue. Looks nice, smells good. Doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot, but the chicks dig it.
- Phillies Glue. Works pretty well from April through early September. Then suddenly stops working; things fall apart.
- Pete Rose Glue. Wanna bet it’ll work?